All These Parts And Pieces
by aweena
Summary: Goren and Eames investigate a series of murders in which part of the victims' body is removed. This turns out...quite hilarious. Warning: If you have a weak stomach, this is not for you. It's not too bad, I don't think, but it depends who you are.
1. Chapter 1

**"All These Parts And Pieces"**

**Hello, guys and gals. Jeez, I hate that word. So anyways, this is my first Law and Order: CI fanfic I've published online. I usually write Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis stories, and while I do write CI, this is the first I've put up, so yeah. Well, hope you like it:0D**

**Chapter 1**

"Yes, she was very caring," the woman told her friends.

"For her cats, maybe. Come on, Marie, she was a witch," a friend stated.

"She wasn't all that bad, when I got to know her. Anyways, I have to go. Chao," said Marie, standing from her seat in the kitchen. "Oh," she said, turning. "Thank you for having me over. Your cooking is wonderful, Jerry," she told the butler, who nodded.

"A few moments later, she was in her car, starting it up. That was when she felt the gun to her neck.

"Just drive. I'll tell you where to turn, and when. No funny business, or you're dead," said a man's voice, gruff and irritated.

The woman did as she was told, and pulled out from the curb. She finally got the nerve to look in the review mirror at the man, only to find him wearing a ski mask. "I'll give you my keys," she said shakily. "You can have the car, take it anywhere you want. I haven't seen what you look like, please."

"Shut up! Turn left up here," he said, pressing the gun harder to her neck.

Marie turned and took a deep breath to calm herself. She continued driving, and the car began to accelerate.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "Slow down!"

"I...I'm not doing it, I swear," she said hysterically.

"Stop! Stop the car, now!" he shouted.

"I can't, the brake's not working!" Marie told him frantically.

"Dammit!" he shouted.

The were heading toward a building as he opened the door and jumped out. H landed hard, bones cracking, blood already covering the ground. Not two seconds later, the car hit the wall, bursting into flames.

"Seems like a random carjacking. Two victims, one of 'em's male, we think the other's female, but it's hard to say. Seems the man was in the back seat, had a gun on the person in the car. The person ran the car into the building, God knows why, and he jumped out, broke his neck, among other things, but that's what killed him," said a man from the CSU. "Question is, why'd she run into the wall in the first place?"

Bobby was working on the man, while Alex stood by and talked to CSU, taking notes.

"Maybe...maybe she knew who he was? He was gonna do something, and she didn't want him to get away with it?" Alex guessed.

"No, I don't think so," said Bobby. "H-he landed a few feet back, rolled here. He would have had to have jumped at the light pole. Sh-she would've had time to stop. I-if she didn't want him to-to get away, she would've stopped, probably come back and...and run him down. There's no tread marks, so she didn't try to stop. She would've came back...she didn't stop. Maybe because she couldn't?" said Bobby.

"Someone cut her brake fluid line," Alex agreed.

"They wanted to kill him, her, or the both of them. Maybe this carjacking isn't so random," Bobby said.

"To the autoshop?" asked Alex.

Bobby grinned. "To the autoshop." He stood from his position by the body, and walked to an officer beside the blackened car. "H-have them take the car to CSU's as soon as possible. A-and cjeck the brakeline. We think it was cut," he explained, then looked at the body in the car. It was burnt to a crispt. So much for luck in finding a driver's liscence.

A moment later, Alex came up by his side.

"Not gonna make it easy, are they?" she asked him.

"Why go this far?" he asked quietly, as he pondered the question. he kneeled by the body, pulling on a new pair of gloves. He reached in underneath the stearing wheel and pulled off trhe woman's shoe.

"Part of her foot's missing," he told Alex.

"How'd you know?" Alex asked.

"There's blood on the floorboard. It happened recently, right after the crash," Bobby said.

"How did someone get over here to a burning vehicle and cut off part of a person's foot without anyone knowing?" Alex asked.

"M-maybe the streets weren't so crowded earlier. It's four o'clock," he told her.

"Rush hour," Alex concluded.

"So most of the people would have been on the main roads," Bobby said.

Alex frowned at the bodies. "What the hell's going on?"

**Welp, there it is. It's actually two chapters in one, but I couldn't have a chapter 500 words long, that's too short, even for me. Please review, that little button right down there...I know you see it! Now press it! Bie:0D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, chapter two, up! Thanks for the reviews, people, really. They're the reason I get out of bed in the morning. I don't know what I'd do without them! Actually, I do, because it's happened before. um, anyways, I'm terribly sorry for the long wait, I'm not dead. I've actually been working on five other stories, three others on here. Well, I don't own these characters, except for the dead people and the maniac that kills them...so...here you go:0D**

**Chapter 2**

Bobby walked the crime scene with Alex and turned to her.

"Eames, there's something I need to tell you," he said.

"Okay," she said quietly. She knew this had been coming. She had known it for years.

"Okay," he said, then continued to walk, and she followed.

"Well?" she spoke.

"Well what?" he replied.

"Aren't you going to tell me?" she asked him.

"No, I just wanted you to know that there was something I need to tell you. And I should tell you, but I'm not going to," he said.

"Why not?" she asked. "Does it have anything to do with us?"

"No, it's the case," he told her uncomfortably.

"Bobby, it's okay for you to feel queasy or something around bodies in that state. It's normal human behavior."

"No, it's not that, either. Okay, I'm gonna tell you. But you can't tell anyone. Promise me. Please," he told her as tears filled his eyes.

"I would never betray you, Bobby. You can tell me," she promised.

Bobby nodded and took a deep breath. "Eames...I did it. I killed her and the kidnapper...and I took her foot."

Alex laughed slapped his arm. "Bobby, don't mess around with me. You can tell me anything, I said that. You can trust me."

"I just told you. I killed them, and I took that woman's foot. I'll prove it," he said with anger in his voice.

"Okay, Bobby," she laughed. She followed Bobby to their squad car and he pulled out his brief case. He entered the combination and popped it open. He then revealed the contents to his partner.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed.

"No! Shhh! You promised!" he whispered harshly. He closed the case, hiding a woman's severed foot and the knife he had used.

"Why, Bobby?! What the fuck?! Why?!" she shouted.

"I have a foot fetish, I can't help it!" he answered.

"No, dammit! The bodies! Why did you kill them?!" Alex asked hysterically.

"I don't know! I thought it would be funny, you know?" he told her.

"No! I don't know!" she said.

"Eames," he said, taking a step toward her.

"No! Stay away!" she screamed, pulling her gun on him. "I will shoot you."

"Alex, you...you said that I could trust you," he said.

"Not with accomplice to murder! Stay the fuck away!" she shouted.

Bobby grabbed her gun from her grip and threw it to the ground, then pressed her against the car. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, and she kissed him back. He pulled away and smiled.

"Bobby, I never knew you liked me so much."

"I'm sorry I killed them. I never would have done it if I'd have known you would be upset," he apologized.

"I know, Bobby. It's okay. I know that you're a schizoid just like your mother," Alex said.

"What?" he said. He backed away as his partner's face contorted and metamorphasized into Santa.

"You've been a bad boy this year, Bobby," Santa said as Bobby fell backward.

"Santa...what are you doing here? I thought you were at the North Pole making cookies for Rudolph," Bobby said.

"No, no. I was, but I took a wrong turn and these mutant farm boys tried to kill me, but I got out okay. How's life been treating you?" Santa asked.

"Well, Santa, I'm a schizoid. I shot the wrong people, and got caught up in the moment. You know how it is when you get excited, and you shoot wrong?" Bobby asked.

"Oh, I know better than anyone else, Bobby. All those bad boys and girls, where do you think they go? And now, it's your time, Bobby," Santa said.

"But Santa, please, no! I still have a case to solve. We have to find out why you're here, and why Alex isn't."

Santa chuckled lightly. "Bobby, don't you know? You only have to click your heels, and magic floats through the air. Try it out."

Bobby gave Santa a questioning look, but clicked his heels, anyways. Suddenly, just as Santa said, magic floated through the air. And it took the form of miniature Eragons.

"What the fuck?!" Bobby screamed, pulling his gun. He shot at the down-sized Eragons, sending tiny arms and legs everywhere, and blood covered Santa's face, blending it in with his suit.

"Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. When will you learn that you can't be killing like O.J. in a strip mall? Come with me. I'll show you the way," Santa said, and led Bobby into a dark cave that had appeared from nowhere. He had no idea what Santa would com up with next...

**I'M SO STUPID, AND SO IS THIS STORY! Bwa ha ha ha! Isn't this great? A story that makes you question both mine and your sanity? Ah, gotta love it. Make sure you leave lots of terrible comments on how I've ruined a great beginning. Ah, yes. I love the holidays. And there's more to come. So come back, or you'll end up like the footless and brainless. Bwa ha ha ha! Bie:0D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Watch out! Here comes Billy Joel! Just kidding. Anyways, I'm back from my three month road trip...from school and back...anyways, we're on Christmas break, so I'm taking it, and working on my story ideas I haven't had time to think out. So here you go. I hope you like this one.**

**Chapter 3**

"I'm sorry, Santa, please don't kill me!" Bobby screamed.

"Bobby, there's only one way I'm going to let you live," Santa said.

"What? What is it? I'll do anything! What do you want me to do?" Bobby asked.

"I want you to-"

Suddenly, Santa disappeared, and Bobby was left all alone in the dark, eerie cave. He heard nothing but cold, dirty water dripping from stalactites.

"Hello?" Bobby said, his voice echoing against the silence. "Santa? Where'd you go? This isn't funny."

"Funny? I'll talk to you about funny," said Alex. Bobby spun on his heel, a little too fast, and hit his head on a rock, losing consciousness. When he awoke, he was back on the city street.

"Bobby, are you all right?" Alex asked.

Bobby stood from the street and glanced at his surroundings. He was back in New York. There was no cave, no Santa, and none of Alex's lipstick on his mouth. It was all just a bad dream...well, partly bad. "What happened?" Bobby asked.

"You slid on the step and hit your head. We were just heading to the body shop. We should get you to the hospital, you could have a concussion," Alex said.

"I had a weird dream," Bobby said.

"I know, I was there," Alex said.

"What?"

"What? I didn't say anything," said Alex. She smiled and helped Bobby up. "Come on, let's go, Bobby."

Bobby nodded as he accepted her help, and he got into their car. Alex drove him to the hospital, but they never made it there...

**Oh, God, why aren't you real? It's something I wish, okay? You got that by now? Schizoids should have no problems figuring this one out. Who really killed the two people? I believe I've lost at least half the audience by now, thank you. See you all later. Bie:0D**


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own any of this but Santaman, yada yada...Okay, new chapter. I hope you all hate it. And loathe it. But read it. So...nintendo. Please review, anyone who reads this. I don't care if you don't like it, the point of the story isn't to make you happy. Well, unless you're like me, then it is. But if you're normal, you're mostly gonna say, okay, wtf is your problem? So I hope you like it!**

**Chapter 4**

"You know what Santa wanted, don't you?" Alex asked.

Bobby jerked upright and realized that something was holding him down. He felt restraints on his wrists and ankles, keeping him glued to the rickety, wooden chair he occupied.

"Where am I? What in the hell is going on?" Bobby asked. Maybe he really was going crazy. What if Santa was right? Perhaps Bobby really was a schizoid...

"You're in Neverland. You know where that's at, right? In an airplane. We'll never land, Bobby, that's why they call it Neverland. Santa...he wanted to win American Idol, Bobby, that's all he ever wanted. He was going to give all the money to the rich people that were tired of that plain old money that they'd already had, and he was going to make a difference in the world, until you showed up. You do know that you didn't really kill those two people, right, Bobby?" Alex said, pacing the dark, stone floor.

"Yeah, I know that...I think. I don't know anything, anymore...I...you're...are you Alex?" he asked. "I mean...are you really Alex?"

"No, of course not. My name is Oprah...Oprah Winterfreeze. I come from an imaginary world, far, far away. It's called The Imaginary World Uno. Have you ever heard of it?" she asked, walking behind him and placing her hands on Bobby's shoulders.

"Duh. I would know, I made it," Bobby answered.

Oprah rubbed her hands along Bobby's shoulders and neck. "You need to relax. With Superlax Laxitives!" she said, jumping in front of him. "Do you want some laxitives. They'll make you regular."

"I don't like to be regular, I like to be irregular," Bobby said sullenly.

"Enough messing around. We have a murder to solve," Oprah told Bobby. "Come on, let's get to it." Oprah marched with determination toward the cave exit, leaving Bobby alone...in the dark...again.

"Hello? Where did you go? You...you're just gonna leave me here?" Bobby asked. "This can't be happening...this can't be real. Please! Anyone? Santa!" _All you need to do is click your heels, Bobby..._ "Why didn't I think of that, sooner?" Bobby said to himself. _You didn't think of it at all, I did._ Bobby closed his eyes and jolted himself backward, busting the chair and setting himself free. He stood from the shambles and clicked his heels. As he suspected, miniature Eragons appeared from nowhere and floated throughout the musty air. "Little Eragons, I need your help," said Bobby. "I need to get out of here, and find out who murdered those two victims we found this morning."

One small Eragon laughed maniacally. "Haven't you figured it out, by now?! We did it! And we wouldn't have gotten away with it if it wasn't for your schizoid mind! But now, we'll get off butterscotch-free, and full of chocolate! Ha ha!" They all flew away, but Bobby ran after them. They led him out into the cool, New York air, where he was met by half a dozen armed officers, all standing behind Deakins.

"Deakins...I didn't think I'd see you again...not for a while," Bobby said nervously.

"We know you killed that woman and took her foot, Bobby. We found the evidence that the miniature Eragons planted, and it led us straight to you. That toe soup that you left on my doormat as a peace symbol...I nearly fell for it, but...I know better. We all do, don't we, boys?" Deakins turned around to face the officers. but all he found were six potted flowers. He shrugged and turned back toward Bobby. "Oh, well. That didn't turn out like I'd expected, but okay. You're under arrest. Sie haben das recht zu einem Rechtsanwalt...I have no idea what in the hell I just said...do you?"

"Of course I do, I was stationed in Germany for-"

"Oh, God, not another one of your stories," Deakins said as he cuffed Bobby. "Save it for the fury jury."

"Oh, well. I had it good while it lasted. But Deakins, there's something I want you to know..."

"Okay?"

Deakins put Bobby into the driver's side of the squad car and gave him a weird look.

"You're not gonna tell me, are you?" Deakins said.

"Nope..." Bobby said, then Deakins turned on the vehicle. Bobby pressed lightly on the gas as the car rolled forward slowly, and Deakins held the door open as he continued to talk to him.

"Please, Bobby, tell me," Deakins pleaded.

"Okay...I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone," Bobby said.

"Well?"

"This is the end of my love song," Bobby whispered, and the car bumped into the side of a garbage truck and came to a halt.

Just then, Obama Lin Saden awoke, but then, Jigsaw from Saw I-IV awoke and realized that it was all a dream...

"That was a crazy fucking dream," Jigsaw said as he stood from his desk. "I'd better get back to work," he whispered. He walked into the next room and turned on the light, revealing a very scared man on a monitor. "Hello, Bobby Goren. And good night."

Evil laughter and terrified screams leaked out in the night, and left the audience hanging and angered.

**The end.**

**Yeah, I'm a terrible person. So, tell me what you think if you are still capable of that process after reading this request. I have to go, good night Siagon. Bie:0D And thank you all for your gory, yet intriguing reviews.**


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